Figuring It Out

“Are you still thinking about a master’s?” my Dad asks me during a Duo call as I get ready for the day.  Yes.  Sometimes. 

  I think about getting a master’s degree, and then I think about how expensive it is, and how I should be 100 percent certain about what I’d like to study before I commit to a program because of that.

I want to get my master’s.  Although the American education system has left me bruised and broken, I still crave learning.  I try to learn on my own, but I can’t focus, and the things I’m trying to learn fail to capture my attention over and over again.

I think about how I got my bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood Development and Learning, and while I enjoyed studying that field, less than three years after graduating I am working a delivery job because I got burnt out.

I struggle with figuring out what I want to do with my life because so many things appeal to me, but none have excited me enough to overcome the barriers and doubts that creep up and consume me when I decide to do something.

I want to write.  I want to bartend.  I want to be a barista.  I want to travel and lay in the sun.  I want to read for days at a time.  I want to get high and watch awesome movies, mind expanding with every theme that’s unveiled to me.

I thought if I worked hard, I’d be successful, make a bunch of money, save, invest, go on one vacation a year, and retire early.  I did that for two years during the pandemic, and if I learned anything, it’s that I don’t want to work that hard ever again.  I want to rest.  I want to use my finite time doing things I enjoy and spending time with people I love.  

You ask me what I want to do, and you want to hear what career I’ve chosen for life.  I’d rather lose a toe than do the same thing every day for the rest of my life.  Also, it seems pretty unrealistic for us to decide what we want to do for the rest of our lives as teenagers, especially when most of us do not have the opportunities to explore all the things we are interested in doing.

Beyond today, I don’t know for certain what I will do, and living a life of freedom and flexibility has become so important to me, that thinking about getting a nine to five job again makes me depressed at best and want to run away at worst. I’m still figuring it out, and that’s okay.

If you’ve fallen in and out of love with several careers, considered quitting your current endeavors, or simply have no idea what you’re doing with your life, know that you are not alone.  It’s okay to not have everything planned out.  It’s okay to not know what you want to do in five years or even tomorrow.  It’s okay to change your mind over and over again, and to try new things at any point in your life.  It’s okay not to be certain about anything.  You’re figuring it out, and that’s okay too. 

Watch this video to hear how I got to where I am today!